3 Smart Parenting Tips I Picked Up From Therapy

By Amy McElroy

Countless times, I’ve been to therapy in search of the Lost Ark full of parenting advice. I spend much of those sessions venting or listening to tired advice from the therapist that I’ve already tried a hundred times. But every once in awhile, a glimmer of magic emerges from that supposed source of all wisdom. You never know for sure until you go home and try it. And sometimes, not until you try and try and try.

Image: AMC.

Here are the best of the best results. If you ever have a challenging time with your child -- so basically, if you’re a parent -- may these ideas bring a little more peace to your life.

Become a Broken Record

When there's an argument or a debate over something and you know you've reached your limit, usually your miniature master negotiator won't stop pushing. Sooner than later, find a magic phrase you can stick to, and put the record needle -- remember those? -- firmly in place.

Don’t budge off your message as you go about your business with a matter-of-fact attitude and a flat affect.

Broken Record (BR): "Your homework needs to be done before you can leave the house."

Master Negotiator (MN): "What if I do half of it first?"

BR: "Your homework needs to be done before you leave the house."

MN: "What if I’m only gone for half-hour?"

BR: "Your homework needs to be done before you leave the house."

Eventually, your broken record is so boring and irritating, even the most masterful of negotiators give in.

Anyone Can Always Take a Time-Out

Make a rule that anyone can say, "I need a time-out," and walk away from the conversation at any time. The point here is to avoid yelling, name-calling, anything you might say during an escalating argument that either of you may regret later. Ideally, stop the conversation with a time-out before it escalates, and everyone has the equal power to do it.

At first, your child may try to follow you around if you call a time-out. Don’t talk. If necessary, reiterate that you are "taking a time-out." (See: Broken Record). If you don't negotiate, eventually your child will give in, even if you have to lock yourself in your bedroom or keep moving around the house. This will get easier over time, and your child will learn that time-out means what it says.

Likewise, be sure to respect your child’s request for time-outs. It's very tempting to try to get one last sentence in or to hammer your last point home, but this rule has to work both ways to be effective. A time-out means no further discussion, for now.

However, the second part of the process is that you come back later when everyone has cooler heads to talk again and come to some sort of resolution or understanding -- even if that means you agree to disagree, or there is a consequence involved. In any case, the conversation is more respectful. At least that's the idea.

Sometimes, the situation takes more than one round of time outs to resolve the issue. But that’s okay. Taking time-outs has cut the amount of fighting in our house by amount a million percent.

The Energy Drain Theory

When a kid is causing you stress, instead of responding with anger, frustration, or punishment, think about how those negative actions create an "energy drain." The energy drain theory was first created by Jim Fay, founder of the Love and Logic Institute, according to the Operations Manager, Kelly Borden.

You can say to your child, "Wow, when you [whine, fight with your sister, lie to me, scream], it really drains my energy." You can even visually demonstrate your exhaustion by plopping down on the couch as you say this. And if other people in the family have been affected by the behavior you can mention them, too. The first time you do this, kids may not understand what you mean, but that’s okay.

Then ask, "What do you think you could do to help give me some of my energy back?" The first few times, you probably will have to make suggestions. "What chores of mine could you do for me today to give back some of my energy?" "What's something really nice you could do for someone in the family?"

You can even make more specific suggestions, but the idea is that it's not a punishment; it's something the child is actively choosing to do to put positive energy back into the family. If they won't choose something, you may have to choose for them. But the idea is to work toward them choosing to put something positive back into your environment.

There's some debate about whether and how much to remind your child about putting the positive energy back in. Charles Fay, president of Love and Logic, says to start with the cue, "Remember actions speak louder than words." I’m not sure how many kids will pick up on that gentle reminder, and how old and intellectually mature they might have to be to understand what you mean.

As a last resort, Fay suggests "going on strike," by deciding, for example, not to take them somewhere they were really excited about (a party or amusement park) because you don't have the energy, or selling a toy to pay for a babysitter.

As an alternative, I have my kids add on another chore for every day that goes by without them completing the original task they said they would do. And instead of a reminder, I warn them once that this extra chore will tack on if they don't complete the task that day.

I’ve only used the energy drain method a few times, but I got no argument whatsoever.

And that's progress.

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Amy McElroy

Writer, Editor at amyjmcelroy.net and @amyjmcleroy

Contributing Editor and Contributing Writer for Rewire Me; Contributing Writer for Sweatpants and Coffee and Noodle.